Friday, 2 December 2016

Help?


Every year our small collection of Christmas decorations seem to grow just a little more.
Some, items have been with us an absolute age.
These vintage  2 inch crackers have been knocking around for years and years.
I was told that they came from America in the 1940s
Does anyone out there know if that's true
I'd be interested to know

Shampoo and Shop

The Chester ' star' outside the cathedral 

Yesterday, I had the onerous job of shampooing the cottage carpets. The machine that " does the job" is the size of a small fridge. It sucks the soot from the shag pile with all of  the gusto of an elephant with an iced bun up it's trunk ...so satisfying to see litre upon litre of muddy water being tipped down the drain. 
Late afternoon I met the Prof in Chester where we did some Christmas shopping and had a welcomed meal out like grown ups. I am working this weekend and Monday he flys out to Norway. 
(Norway in December! You couldn't be more Christmassy.!) so we have had to grab some shopping time. It was nice to be able to wear my good shoes for a change! 
I will put the Christmas's decorations up  this afternoon...

It' s the village Christmas Fayre tomorrow and I am still a little short of bodies to man the kitchen with me. Pat, the animal helper is away so I shall called round to see Mrs Trellis and Eirlys the chicken farmer later. I'm sure both can be relied upon! 

I'll leave you with this standout samba from Strictly, You honestly couldn't tell that Danny Mac is an amateur ! Amazing......watch this, it will give you a smile and will set you up for nice weekend! 


Thursday, 1 December 2016

A Few Thoughts.......


The public " outing"  of  the extent of the sexual abuse of boys by their football coaches in the 1970s and 80s feels like that the genie has been finally let out of the lamp. In these freer, more enlightened times the victims, now in their forties and fifties , are now being believed and listened to as sexual abuse now leaves the confines of the church and stereotypical figures like the creepy scoutmaster and has entered an area, everyone once thought wholesome.
The misguided and dated ideas tweeted by the darts player Eric Bristow, who confused child sexual abuse with homosexuality has been rightly ridiculed and I thank god we are now living in an age that personal sexuality is more or less celebrated and certainly accepted at the same time that reports of sexual abuse are now believed, listened to and not ignored or given a blind eye to, as it was so often in those unenlightened days when nothing was ever talked about. 

Thank goodness I never experienced any institutional abuse growing up. I do remember a teacher that  occasionally turned up during showers, and I remember that the boys talked about the fact amongst themselves. Nowadays I think children are more savvy and supported and such incidences would be shared more readily with parents, safe teachers and friends.
Enlightenment breeds honestly and trust.........it stops predators from hiding in the shadows

Wiki English Football Abuse scandal

Wednesday, 30 November 2016

What Have You Done Today?


  • Got up crack of dawn, drove Prof to station in my pyjamas, 
  • Fed stock,cat and dogs ( walked them four times too) 
  • Took photo of icy field ( above)
  • Cleaned cottage, made bed, cleaned toilet with toilet duck
  • Wrote blog
  • Took William to groomers
  • Dropped cleaning into dry cleaners
  • Banked stuff for the Prof
  • Shopped
  • Bought logs
  • Ate pineapple for lunch
  • Collected eggs, applied antibiotic spray to goose foot
  • Collected William
  • Took William to vets
  • Collected carpet cleaner
  • Fed birds, locked birds up
  • Lit fire, made chicken dinner
  • Burnt sprouts
  • Swore a lot cos best saucepan ruined 
  • Collected Prof 
  • Listened to academic news of the day
  • Served supper
  • Washed dishes
  • Fed dogs
  • Helped Prof squeezing William's anal glands
  • Watched celebrity get me out of here
  • Cried at " letters from home" 
  • Answered blog comments
  • Wrote blog.....bed

" Kill, Kill, Kill Them All"


I am irrationally angry first thing in the morning.
The earlier I get up, 
the worse it is.
The Prof knows he exacerbates it all by tutting at my driving abilities, 
or like he did this morning , giving me unwanted advice about how the clear the windscreen of ice
I have to bite the insides of my cheeks to stop myself from
clubbing him to death with my crocs
He is like Julie Andrews on waking.
That is another thing that pisses me off.

I dropped him off at a dark railway station at some ungodly hour this morning 
And before. He got out of the car he showered my left cheek with kisses as I sat there looking like Walter Matthau 

I wish I could be different 
But I can't 
I'm a twat before 7am! 



Tuesday, 29 November 2016

Late Camilla Update


 Apologies Janice, I forgot to pass on the Camilla is fine after her bin lorry collision , I took this photo of her, Jo and Carol in a frozen Ukrainian village and field this morning . - 6 degrees tonight! Thank goodness we have a new heating system...
Even though the Professor who has a PhD .....cannot figure out yet!

A very cold Irene and Sylvia waiting for their feed this morning



Soundtracks Of Your Life

Certain pieces of music provide a backdrop to your life in that particular moment of time.
Meat Loaf 's BAT OUT OF HELL takes me back to 1982' times of youthful exuberance. Cher's I BELIEVE 1990s Sheffield  and Audrey Hepburn's MOON RIVER will always make me think of courting The Prof, in a time he had hair and I had a waist!
Julia Fordham's HAPPY EVER AFTER conjures up happy days with my best friend Nu and Mario Lanza's DRINKING SONG transports me to a mad cap car journey home with my sisters.

Music, like certain smells, flash memories through your mind.

This morning I heard this song FROM 2007 on the radio. Snow Patrol's CHASING CARS saturated the airways when I drove to and fro from home to the vets and the animal hospital in Cheshire. It was a time of great distress as my first dog Finlay was undergoing various tests for a sudden neurological deterioration and every car journey including the one that necessitated me returning his body home for burial was punctuated by this melancholy song played quietly on the radio.
The song can still, after nine years, reduce me to tears.


What is the first soundtrack of your life that leaps to your mind.
Why do you remember it?
I'd be interested to know.

Monday, 28 November 2016

The Walking Dead - Swear


I like Alanna Masterson's character on The Walking Dead. As the slightly lumpy, big hipped, wisecracking and at times gauche lesbian Tara, Masterson brings some welcome humour to a story so often filled with sadness and horror. 
In this her stand alone episode, Tara finds yet another community ( this time a totally female encampment called Oceanside.) The newbees are mistrusting on any stranger as they had all of their men over ten years old culled by Negan's saviors and the whole episode was really a reflective piece of the bad things , good people do, in the name of survival .
Oceanside kills strangers no matter now innocent they may be . The Alexandrians killed Negan's satellite soldier group in their beds and so no one comes out truly clean in this brave new world.
Tara, in a rather plodding episode had a chance to explore this concept.
Oh and with her big hips swaying like a grand Southern Mama she killed 50 sand covered walkers in the most hammy and bumbling kind of way, it made me like her even more .

The Führer's Penis

The hardest thing to do on intensive care is to care for a patient who is confused and desperately ill. 
They often seesaw precariously on the very edge of sudden and often disastrous  deterioration because they do not understand the need to comply with medical and nursing treatments. 
I looked after such a patient yesterday. 
I was somewhat fraught after 13 hours of it. 
Driving home , I thought of all of those unpaid carers in this country who deal day in day out with their confused and disorientated loved ones at home. Work which often has limited or no respite, and which may carry on for years and years and years. 
Thirteen hours of it, doesn't sound at all bad eh?

When I was a student nurse in psychiatry, I took an elderly lady called Jean out Christmas Shopping in Chester. 
She had schizophrenia and early onset dementia and although physically fit, she remained muddled and disorientated for most of the time.

We ended up in Browns of Chester which was the flagship department store in the city at the time and as we walked through the make up department we were approached by one of those plastic looking salesgirls who was offering " squirts" of perfume for ladies to trial.
" Would madam like to try?" The plastic woman said with a plastic smile
And Jean duly held out her wrist for a tester.
I watched her reaction carefully.
Jean took a sniff of the scent and nodded that she liked it, so.., sensing a sale the plastic woman moved in for the kill.
Jean then smiled a sweet smile and beckoned the woman forward and whispered the following statement in her ear
" I knew Hitler you know, he had a massively HUGE COCK,! "



I'll leave you with a big up of the Village Christmas Fayre which takes place in the Memorial Hall on Saturday.....hope everyone can make it


Sunday, 27 November 2016

Hey Ho again

Shite day at work.
Came home to a stressed Prof who couldnt quite sort the smoking fire out!
Walked dogs
Ate tea,
Watched the sweet Lisa Snowdon getting kicked out of the get me out of here

That almost rhymed 

Saturday, 26 November 2016

Royal Arse



After sorting out the valve system on the radiators I was just getting all testosterone and full of myself when the council  bin men lorry pulled up outside the cottage and one of the hairy arsed bin men knocked loudly on the front door .
I was half expecting them to be in a pissy mood after all I had left half a ton of plumber's packaging and bin bags out for collection but the binman wasn't bothered about the rubbish, he was more upset than anything
" One of your birds has smashed into our van" he told me
Apparently they had just turned the corner at the bottom of the lane when " a soddin massive black bird" had appeared from nowhere and had bounced on the roof of their refuse lorry, just above the windscreen.
The bird then " shat" down the windscreen ( probably in shock) then bounced into the hedge.
" It's still alive" the binman told me " it was hissing at us"
" It's probably Camilla Parker Bowles "I told him " She's a crap flyer"
The binman looked confused.

I could have done without another little drama. I was still getting used to the heating system more complicated than the average ITU ventilator and had already fixed a leaking radiator single handed a few minutes before, so with slightly heavy and irritated heart I followed the binman down the lane to where his three colleagues were peering into the hedge.
" It's in there" one man chirped up pointing to a goose sized hole in the hedge
I looked in and sure enough Camilla looked back at me with her big black solemn eyes.
As I reached in and picked her up, the binman who had knocked on the door turned to his friends and said" her name is Camilla Parker Bowles !" They all nodded with interest in a chorus of " ooos and arrhhhs"

Apart from a massive crap stain on her back end , Camilla looked shocked but unhurt. So I thanked the binmen and apologied for any damage caused.
" It will have to be logged " , the senior binman said " she's dented the roof"  but they were soon on their way and Camilla was soon sat in a dark calm goose house under observation"

I wonder what the binmen would log in their incident file?
"Camilla Parker Bowles crash landed on our bin lorry today and she shat all over the windscreen "
Dirty girl.......

Friday, 25 November 2016

Getting Straight


Ten hours of cleaning and the cottage looks a little more normal
I'm shattered 

Oh Brenda

With the cottage full of workmen, I spent yesterday out and about.
After a trip to the animal feed shop, pet store , B&Q and walk on the beach . I called into the local supermarket to ." Go to the loo" 
I don't know about you, but I do so hate public toilets, and so, if at all possible I will always seek out the disabled loo in which I can have a sneaky number two in total privacy.
I know I shouldn't  but there you have it.
I'm a bad person.
Anyhow you will be glad to know that I got my comeuppance yesterday, as after a somewhat large " movement"  the door handle rattled loudly and I heard a woman's voice trill "There's someone in here Brenda"
I got up, flushed the loo and washed my hands, and as I glanced around , I noticed with horror as the toilet bowl filled with water and almost overflowed onto the floor.
The previous " user" had effectively blocked the U bend with what looked like a mixture of things both human and paper in nature.
In panic I tried to unblock the " bung" with the loo brush but that just made matters worse, then came the knock on the door
" Excuse me , but will you be much longer ?" The woman's voice came again and very very reluctantly I opened the door.
Two women , both pushing those triangular walkers on wheels were waiting outside
" The loo is blocked" I told her, my face burning red " I will go and report it, don't go in it''s not very nice" and I marched off , ostensibly in search of a supervisor.
The first woman pushed her trolley past me , and as I darted for the exit all I heard was a rather shocked
" Oh no......Brenda !!!!!"

The shame of it all.........